Humorous Shorts

These shorts don't have much of anything to do with Christmas, they were just emailed to me and I hated to just delete them. Some of them are real gems.

I went to the mall yesterday to buy my usual big spender's item, Merle Norman's creme beige powder base, and I wondered upon the Metabolife kiosk. I picked up a bottle of it, talked to the saleslady, browsed through a pamphlet, got the price, and almost bought a bottle. Thankfully I waited because when I got home, someone had sent me this wonderful diet below. Now, I can save a bunch of money and lose just as much!
Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.

Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity.

Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bite of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Feel free to copy this short or email it to someone. On IE 5.0 just go to File, Send and send as a page or link.

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."
Feel free to copy this short or email it to someone. On IE 5.0 just go to File, Send and send as a page or link.
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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK OK" You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very sea sick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete..how much steel! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand
women...Know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy..."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"